Scars
by Cursed-Mind
Summary: Sakura was young when she first fell in love. But when her love leaves her unprotected what will happen to her? And when her love finally comes back, why cant she remember him and why does she push him away? You never really forget your first love. R&R!
1. prologue

Ok, this is my first CCS fanfic so go easy. It took me a while to figure out a plot, which wasn't already done like a million times (literally), but I finally got an idea for a fanfic when I was getting out of the shower (don't ask, inspiration strikes at unusual moments). Well, here goes, go easy, this is my first CCS and I hope you like it. Oh yeah, and I just want to know, who out there likes happy endings and who out there likes…not…so happy endings?  
  
Well, enjoy! Happy reading and please review!   
  
Scars prologue  
  
"You." Sakura said quietly as she saw the man coming towards her.  
  
"Sakura."   
  
"How do you know my name? Do I know you? Yes, yes I do, your that man from the pictures. The one, who. I CANT REMEMBER!" Sakura yelled frustrated running away from him. Syaoran quickly followed, he lost her once, he wasn't going to loose her again.   
  
Syaoran ran after Sakura in the growing darkness. They were in the penguin park when Syaoran finally caught up with Sakura.   
  
"Sakura"  
  
"Leave me alone. I don't want to remember you or what you did to me. I know you were once a part of my life a big part of it."   
  
"Then why don't y you want to remember me?"  
  
"Because I also know that there's a reason why I don't remember you. And I'm sick and tired of being hurt by men. Just leave me alone and forget about me."  
  
"That's just the thing. I cant forget about you. Your face and the memory of you is what kept me going all these years in Hong Kong and Im not about to loose you!" Syaoran said grabbing her wrist and pulling her close to him.   
  
"Get away from me!" Sakura yelled pulling her arm from his grip and started stalking off in the opposite direction. Syaoran grabbed her wrist once again but this time she quickly turned and slapped him hard on the face.   
  
"Just leave me alone." She said angrily holding back tears.   
  
Syaoran moved his fingers ever so slightly on her wrist and felt a fine line there. He looked down and saw scars on her wrists. His eyes widened at the realization.   
  
Sakuras tears flowed freely now as she pleaded for him to let go. "Please, just leave me alone. I know you're the reason I have these scars and I don't, no, I wont let you hurt me the way you did. Please. I don't want to remember!" Sakura yelled as she ran off to a far distance in the park.   
  
Syaoran just stood there in shock. Had he really made her suffer so much when he left that she would resort to…that?  
  
Syaoran picked up his cell phone from his jacket pocket and called a certain guardian beast. "Yeah" Kero said   
  
"Kero, what exactly happened to Sakura when I left?" Syaoran said deciding to take a direct approach. Unlike Sakura, Kero remembered that past all to well.   
  
Kero sighed and started explaining. "You see, when you first left, she insisted to us all that she was fine, even though we knew she was hurting inside and heartbroken at your leaving in her heart, we tried to go on as if nothing had changed. Then we started noticing dramatic changes in her. She smiled less, ate barley anything, rarely talked, then we caught her cutting herself and crying at night. We didn't know what to do. There was no way of contacting you and her condition had put her in the hospital numerous times. Then one day when she was at school I saw a card that could maybe help. The erase and void cards, they could erase her memories of you and the void would get rid of her feelings. I asked Sakura if she wanted to do it, telling her that once she did, there was no turning back. I wont forget her words. 'Why do you even have to ask? He said he loved me, but he left, he left me here all alone and vulnerable. He doesn't know what happened to me or what I've been through. That fucking bastard can go to hell for all I care.'" Syaorans eyes widened and his mouth dropped at Kero telling him what she said.   
  
"The next minute she had the cards in front of her and her memories of you were gone, replaced by new ones to fill in the gaps. She got better, and we were all happy for her, there were the awkward times when she found a picture of you and we had to cover, but I think with each picture of you she saw, she remembered something. I don't know. All I know is that she knows you did something to her now and she knows you hurt her. She knows someone hurt her deeply and I think she thinks its you. She no longer has feelings for you in the same way. Sorry. As much as I never liked you, I wouldn't wish this kind of thing on anyone." Kero finished hanging up.   
  
Syaoran stood there in shocked silence, when suddenly a determined face graced his features. He would get her back, somehow, he would help her remember her feelings for him. He didn't know how, but he was going to need some help. 


	2. What is there to live for?

Thank you for your reviews everyone! And I apologize if this chapter is a bit 'cheesy' but I'm in kind of a depressed mood right now.so.I don't know. Enjoy and please leave a review when you're done. I like reviews.  
  
The next day Syaoran started school once again and all of his old friends welcomed him back and he received many warm greetings from everyone. From everyone, from everyone except the one person he wanted to accept him back. He walked up to his old seat behind Sakura and tapped her on the shoulder and got her attention. All her friends looked their way discreetly to see how Sakura would react to him being back. They all knew Sakura had changed a lot since 4th grade, and now that it was their junior year in high school, she seemed more distant then ever.  
  
Syaoran looked at Sakura and smiled. He stuck out his hand waiting for her to take it. "Hi, Im Li, Syaoran. I moved from Hong Kong. No matter what kind of past we may have had, I was hoping we could just start over and be friends."  
  
Sakura looked at his out stretched hand for a moment then glanced towards Tomoyo for help. Tomoyo gave her a look that said 'give him a chance' and Sakura took his hand unsure and put on her best smile. "I'm not really sure who you were to me or what you did, but, maybe. We. Can. Be friends."  
  
Syaoran beamed and shook her hand as if they had just met. "Thank you, Im glad that that's in the past and we can be friends."  
  
As Syaoran made his way to his seat behind her, Sakura thought about what he said. 'How can I put behind what I don't remember?' Sakura thought back to his sweet smile and warm amber eyes. Somehow, she was somewhat.calmed by it? 'Maybe being his friend wont be so bad, its not like he asked to marry me or something.' Sakura shrugged it off as class began, but as she wrote down her notes, he sleeve pulled up just a little and she saw the scars. 'Will the scars ever go away?'  
  
Tomoyo looked over at her friends with a worried expression on her face. She had seen the scars before and she could only convince her that life was worth living for so long while she felt so much pain.  
  
Seven hours later the school bell rang as everyone started filling out of the school. Today was Monday and Tomoyo would have choir practice, which left her to walk home alone. Sakura walked gloomily out of the school after saying her goodbyes to Tomoyo and her friends and was greeted by Syaoran who was unlocking his bike. He saw her and smiled. "Hey Sakura! Where's Tomoyo?"  
  
"She has choir practice today, Im just heading home."  
  
"Mind if I join you?"  
  
Sakura thought for a second before nodding and shrugging her shoulders. "Whatever you want to do doesn't bother me. I wouldn't mind the company."  
  
Syaoran nodded and followed her on foot, his bike between them. As they walked they tried talking about normal things, school, sports, any good movies, but Syaoran found it hard to keep up a conversation when the other person didn't say much, and it wasn't long before they fell into a somewhat uncomfortable silence.  
  
They walked on for a few minutes leaving Syaoran to run a few things over in his mind. There were a lot of things he wanted to ask her, but one question seemed to rise above all of them. "Why did you try to commit suicide?" Syaoran stopped when he realized he had let his thoughts out out loud.  
  
Sakura stopped as well and looked at him before turning her gaze towards the ground. Syaoran was surprised when all of the sudden she bolted off in the direction of the park. Syaoran hopped on his bike and went after her. When he was close enough he jumped off and chased after her on foot. He had to stop suddenly when she suddenly stopped and sat on a bench under a tree. Syaoran approached her slowly, not wanting her to run off again.  
  
"You're really predictable you know that. I knew you would follow me."  
  
"Then why did you run?"  
  
This question was greeted by silence from Sakura. 'Why had she run?'  
  
"Sakura, do.do you think you could answer my question? If you don't want to that's totally ok. I just want you to know, I'm your friend, and I'll listen if you need to talk." Syaoran turned to leave when he heard Sakura say something under her breath.  
  
"Where do you find the strength?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Where do you find the strength to go on living? Doesn't it ever feel like.you just can't.go on?" Sakura looked at him with watery questioning eyes. "Like the pain is just too much, and you just.want to end it all. Get away from it all."  
  
"Of course. Sakura, you're not the only one. You're not alone in how you feel. " Sakura looked up in surprise at Syaoran. Wasn't he supposed to tell her that she was silly? "But you know Sakura. How easy would it be to just...Die? It would be so easy to take your life and end it all. Its easy to die, but living. Living is the hard part. And you know, there's a purpose to why everyone lives. You don't always know it, and all you can think about is 'is my purpose to suffer like this? To feel this pain?' But you have to believe that after all the pain and darkness, there's something good waiting for you, and it's worth living for."  
  
Sakura sat crying silent tears. Syaoran had just described her very feeling. "How do you know? How do you know what's worth living for? Is there really anything out there that's worth the effort?" She looked at him pleadingly, like his answer would fix it all.  
  
Syaoran didn't even have to think about it. "Love Sakura. Love is always worth living for. The love you have for you family and friends. And that love you have inside you for that one special person out there for you. Just look inside yourself Sakura, look through all that darkness you have inside you and I'm sure you'll find, in your heart, a light. That light is your love Sakura, the love you have for everyone close to you." Syaoran looked at Sakura to see her reaction to his words. From the look on her face it looked like it was the first time she had heard that before. She had tears coming from her eyes in never ending streams, as it seemed this realization just dawned on her.  
  
Syaoran looked at her with soft eyes and sat next to her and ran a hand up and down her back to try to calm her. He was struck dumb for a second when Sakura wrapped her arms around his neck hugging him and started crying into his shoulder. Syaoran just wrapped his arms around her trying his best to comfort her. "It hurts Syaoran. The pain in my heart hurts so much. The darkness in my heart knows no bounds. Will it ever heal?"  
  
Syaoran felt saddened at her words. It was partly if not his entire fault she felt this way. "As long as there are people to help you through this Sakura, there is no doubting it will. Only time will tell. Just remember Sakura, Im here for you."  
  
Sakura held him tighter and cried more into his shoulder and Syaoran thought from under the sound of her sobs; he could hear a small 'Thank you' leave her lips.  
  
'I'll always be there for you Sakura. I may have messed your life up, but I'll help you get it back. I promise.' 


	3. Where doubts and questions arise

Scars Chapter 3  
  
Sakura sat there in his warm embrace. She didn't know exactly why she was still in his arms. She didn't even know him. She could hardly hold onto his name, and here she was, in the arms of a stranger who she'd known for only a few days.  
  
Why did he speak to her like she knew him? They'd met at the same time. She thought she remembered him from some unseen memory lost in her innocent childhood. She sat there trying to ignore the small voice in her mind pleading with her to get away, while something deep in her heart told her to stay.  
  
But as in most people, the mind overpowers the heart and she shoved herself away from Syaoran. Almost immediately she felt a harsh wind ravish her body making her shiver and making her wish she were back in the warm embrace of the stranger. She looked into his confused amber eyes and looked away.  
  
So many things were running threw her mind. Her sudden actions done in a sort of panic and haste. Syaoran stood confused and started walking towards her. Just a moment ago they were getting along fine, and now, she seemed almost terrified of him. It was like there were two sides to Sakura now. The lost lonely side that was seeking the comfort of another and then there was the other side that was just as lost and confused but refused to get close to anyone, sheltering herself from some unforeseen pain. Both sides unsure, yet sure at the same time at what they wanted.  
  
Sakura stood before him, now meeting his gaze. Before Syaoran could do anything, her Star Staff was out and Sakura had summoned The Dash and she ran from him. Syaoran wondered for a second at why she hadn't used the fly, when he saw all the people that were still in the park and on the streets.  
  
Syaoran let out a deep sigh. At least he had gotten to talk to her. It wasn't at all how he had first envisioned there first meeting alone together would be. He had envisioned something along the lines of a date, and less of a counseling session. 'Still, at least now...I know a little more.'  
  
Syaoran sighed again and started walking out of the park. He had no control of where he was going. He was brought out of his daze several times by honking cars that had almost hit him while he was crossing the street.  
  
When Syaoran looked up from his daze, he was standing in front of a large house. More like mansion actually. On the large Iron Gate before him was a metal plaque that read: "Daidouji."  
  
"What the heck am I doing here?"  
  
A small intercom to his right buzzed and a familiar voice came threw. "Syaoran? Is that you? What are you doing here? One of my guards told me a strange bewildered young man had been standing if front of the manor for 15 minutes and came to ask if it was one of my friends."  
  
"Im sorry, I honestly don't know why I'm here. I hadn't realized I'd been standing out here this long."  
  
"Its ok, as long as you're here, you wanna come in?"  
  
"Uh, sure."  
  
There was no response to his acceptance of the invitation, just the slow creaking of the gates opening. Syaoran walked threw a bit hesitantly and went up to the front door where he was greeted warmly by Tomoyo.  
  
"Come on in. Make yourself at home." "Thanks."  
  
"So, what brings you here?"  
  
"Its, its about Sakura."  
  
Tomoyo sighed, "You may want to sit down. This could take a while."  
  
~*~  
  
Sakura ran blindly threw the crowded streets. It was rush hour and the streets were full of people making their way home from their busy lives. As she slowed her run to a hurried walk, she saw people like her that for one reason or another found them selves drunk in a bar.  
  
"Damn it, if only I were a few years older, I could be in there losing my self in alcohol and drugs."  
  
"Trust me honey, you don't wanna be in there with those drunk fools."  
  
"Who said that?" Sakura said panicked, she hadn't realized she had spoken out loud and looked around frightened for the keeper of the raspy voice she had heard.  
  
"Take it from an old woman like me. You don't wanna become alcohols bitch. A pretty girl like yous got nothing ta fret over. And if ya do, don't wish ta be in there with all o' those drunken bastards. Unless its your goal to end up like me." The old woman said laughing a bit, taking a swig from some unknown drink in a paper bag. The woman walked up closer to Sakura inspecting her like she were for sale and Sakura caught the woman's sent. Full of alcohol and other smells she didn't want to know the name of.  
  
She took a couscous step back from the woman, looking at her with distaste. "What do you know? You don't know anything about me."  
  
"Really now?" the woman said amused. "I know more than you think. Trust me honey, pry a bit deeper in that pretty head of yours and you'll know. The only one keeping you from bein' happy is you. Oh, and you might want to find out who this amber-eyed stranger of yours is. If ya ask me, he one fine piece of ass." She said starting to laugh, which soon turned into a cough.  
  
"Stay the hell away from me." Sakura was a little scared now, the way the woman was looking at her, one would have thought she knew everything, all her little secrets. She felt a strange vibe emit from the woman and her first instinct took over her and she ran.  
  
"And you might want to interrogate that stuffed animal of yours sweetheart!" the old woman called after her laughing menacingly.  
  
'KERO! But how does she know? Who is that lady?'  
  
-------------  
  
Sakura didn't stop running till she reached her house and was in her room. She locked the door and turned off the TV.  
  
"HEY! What'd ya do that for! I was winning!"  
  
"Shut up Kero and listen!" Sakura was a bit surprised herself at the anger in her voice and the way she had talked to her guardian beast.  
  
Kero could sense there was something important she needed to tell him and let her 'rude behavior' slide. "Sakura what is it?"  
  
Sakura didn't answer him right away and instead took out an old picture album from underneath her mattress. 'Where did that come from? I've never seen that before.' Kero thought to himself.  
  
Sakura dropped the album on the bed and it fell open before the little beast. "Oh no, Sakura, where did you get this?"  
  
"It doesn't matter! Now tell me! WHO IS THAT!?" She demanded, pointing at a picture of Syaoran.  
  
Kero quickly leafed through the album and saw that this was the album from years ago of the pictures that Tomoyo had taken of the card captures. 'Why does she still have this? I thought I got rid of all the pictures! Oh God, and she was so happy before too. Im gonna kill that gaki'  
  
Kero let out a distressed sigh. "Sakura, this may take some time."  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Wow, they sure did sigh a lot in this chapter. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this last chapter. Im sorry it took so long to update and I hope it was worth the wait. (Haha, yeah right.) Anyways, I promise the little conversations will be coming in the next chapter. So, the sooner you review, the sooner I'll update. And I apologize for the shortness of the chapter.  
  
Oh yea, and I have a new fic incase you want to read it. Im not sure what came over me, but I wrote a peter pan fic. I'd like to know what you guys think, and its really not that bad if I say so myself. I don't know. Im just throwing that out there for any of you who are interested.  
  
Ciao! 


	4. wrapped in black blankets

I was looking at my account thingy today and I was like wow, I really haven't updated or written anything new in a while. And I was actually looking over some of the reviews and was like wow, there are people out that that actually enjoy my writing. Haha, usually I just write on impulse and then the impulse is gone and it dies...along with my fan fiction. BUT NO MORE! I'm going to try harder now! Starting with this fic. I realized I really liked the idea and I want to continue it. Even though it belongs to a category where you post it one day and the next its on page three but whatever! I will try! Haha, so here it goes...after being gone for...a long time-

Syaoran sat on the black leather sofa in Tomoy's living room. Rubbing his feet nervously on the soft carpet. A nervous habit. Tomoyo sat across from him looking uncomfortable as well, trying to collect her thoughts as where to begin in her explanation.

"In truth, I'm not really sure when it began. I guess that doesn't make me a very good friend for not notice but I guess it was because she always looked so happy around us, and I was with Eriol a lot and I didn't see it really till she was really out of it. I talked to Kero, he said she cried a lot at first when you left. She missed you. That I could tell. But in our own way we all missed you. But Sakura felt something more for you and I guess that's why it hit her the way it did. But I don't know, after a while she seemed to brighten up a bit. I mean she would have her sad times but it wasn't till I really looked at her that I saw my best friend withering away."

Syaoran kept his gaze on his feet. Fearing that if he were too look up at Tomoyo's pained expression he would see how much pain he had caused. He could hear a small sniffle from her direction and knew she was trying not to cry. He tried clearing his voice, he wanted to say something comforting but all that came out was, "What happened to her?"

Tomoyo sat kind of hunched over, her elbows resting on her knees as she sat, her chin resting on clamped hands making her look up. "I talked to her. Really sat her down, tore off the mask she had us believing and talked to her. Like you do with a best friend. She wanted to die Syaoran. She really did. I remember her flipping through the cards. Looking at them and remembering how you guys caught them together and how you helped her change them. We cried a lot that day. I didn't think she, or I would stop. Then she saw it. It was like they dropped out of the deck on their own, seeking to heal their mistress' pain. The erase, and the void. Kero said he thought about them only earlier that day as well. I knew what she was thinking and I tried to convince her not to use them. But a part of me kept telling me, if it would help her get better... But I had to leave and I had to leave her to Kero. But by then she had gone from sad to angry. She hated you then Syaoran. I mean deep down I know she still loved you, but anger...can cloud those feelings sometimes and make you do things."

Syaoran made a low 'hum' telling her he knew the experience and understood all that she was saying. He knew Sakura had hated him, Kero had told him. He knew it was his fault. But he hadn't known she had suffered this much.

Tomoyo continued, "The next day I got a phone call from Kero, telling me what Sakura had done and what we had to do so nothing triggered any memory of you. I don't know, by Sakura forgetting about you, and how we all saw her start new, really start new again, we all kind of caught the feeling and everything seemed normal again. Sakura was happy, genuinely happy again. And I had my best friend back. Everything was fine! It was perfect! Why did you have to come back! Why now! Why didn't you ever call her! Write her! You know how often she cried! Do you know how much you hurt her! She loved you GOD DAMN IT! AND YOU JUST THREW HER AWAY LIKE SHE WAS NOTHING! How could you do that to her! You just left! And you knew how she felt! And you still did nothing!" Tomoyo was standing now, her face wet with tears and her face flushed in anger. She was breathing heavily and Syaoran was no longer looking at his feet. He was looking up at her wide eyed. In all the years he had known Tomoyo, he had never seen her angry at anyone. His eyes shook with emotion as he knew, he wasn't wanted here. He was stupid for coming back; and his eyes became solid again, he was him self once more. Not the weaker love sick, heart broken teenage boy. He was Li Syaoran, head of the Li clan a grown man with a reputation to uphold. Li's, don't cry. No emotion is necessary and that's the way it should be.

"I'm sorry Tomoyo, for putting you and Sakura through all that. There were...circumstances beyond my control at the time and I couldn't do anything. 10 year olds, don't have much power or say with the Li elders and neither does love. Its a fickle emotion that is used to weaken and exploit. But I am sorry and I wont deny that it was all my fault. I take full responsibility for what happened. I'll let myself out."

Tomoyo stood wide eyed. She was...un nerved by the way Syaoran had spoken to her. Like she was in business and he had just made a grave error for the company. He talked to her like he was in some freaking board meeting and she was one of his clients! This was the Syaoran Li that the 'elders' had conformed him into.

She was no longer angry, she had clamed down now. Talking about the past always made her lose her cool and she now regretted having yelled at Syaoran. She knew it wasn't easy on him either. She was being unfair to say that Sakura was the only one that struggled. They all had. She felt tears prickle in her eyes again as she flopped back onto the sofa crying lightly. "I'm sorry."

"Tell me right now! Tell me! A part of me hates him and knows he's trouble but another part trusts him and some how I feel comfortable talking to a man, THAT I'VE NEVER SEEN IN MY LIFE! BUT SOME HOW I HAVE PICTURES WITH HIM, AND I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER IT! Now tell me Cerberus, and tell me the truth cause I swear to God, that if you lie to me now...I mean it Kero. Tell me why the hell my brain is so fucked up!"

Kero sighed, he could have guessed something like this would happen sooner or later. There was really no use in hiding it when she already knew, and plus, he knew Sakura had the powers to back up her threat. "Sakura...that...gaki, kid, man" Kero growled in frustration at having to correct himself on the gaki so many times before continuing. "That man, his name is Syaoran Li."

"Well I know that."

"Are you going to let me explain or not? Thank you. Now Syaoran, he came here when you were about, oh...10, 11? When you first opened the clow book. He helped you capture the cards. Kind of an arrogant sonuvabitch at first but by the end of all the cards, he was a decent kid. I could tell he liked you. You liked him too. Took you guys both long enough to figure it out though. You guys were really young, too young to know what love really was but it was there. But Syaoran, being a Li, had to go back home and take care of his clan. Big clan that one, powerful as hell too. Direct descendants of Clow Reed him self. He left. 6 years he was gone. Broke your heart too. Till you were 15 I knew you weren't happy. You tried to make us believe you were ok, but inside you were hearting. You cut yourself a lot. Ended up in the hospital a few times."

"No, the cutting was because Dad and-"

"No Sakura, your dad never being here and you feeling rejected wasn't the reason. Part of it maybe down the road, even after you memory was altered, but not the main reason."

"Why don't I remember any of this? And what do you mean, my memory was altered?"

"You used the erase and the void Sakura. 2 and a half years ago, you had enough. You were upset and angry. Really angry at him and at yourself. You used the erase to erase all your memories of him and the void to get rid of the feelings you had for him. But I guess...it didn't work entirely. You hate him Sakura, for what he did to you, but deep down you still love him."

Sakura sat on her bed, confused as hell. She was just told of a childhood that she never knew and of a person of whom she was supposed to love, but she didn't even know him. The kid she had met in school today, was her...first love?

When did everything get so confusing! Why couldn't it be simple like it used to be! Why did she have to feel these things. She leafed through the cards, her cards. Her accomplishments, they weren't all hers. She had had help. She had fallen in love. Can you really love someone that deeply at such a young age? How are you supposed to know what love is when you're so young?  
"Kero. Can I...Can I use the void?"

Kero looked at her with a confused expression. "Why the void? That's a dangerous card Sakura. You don't know what will happen if you use it. You could end up with no emotions at all!" "I'll take the risk Kero. I just don't want to be all confused and muddled up inside. I want to be normal like I was before. I'll know Syaoran, recognize him, but I wont feel anything for him. He'll just be, that kid, in the hall way."

Kero sighed, "You're the card mistress. Its your life, make the choice yourself." Sakura nodded confidently taking the card from the deck and activated her staff. "Void!"

The card engulfed her in a strange black blanket and for a fleeting moment a small tear rolled down her face as her heart screamed a silent sorry to a face she no longer felt anything for.

Kind of a sad chapter I know but I had to get it out and over with.

I guess you'll have to wait till the next chapter to find out who the creepy lady in chap 3 is. -

Thank you for all that reviewed before and I'm sorry it took me sooooooooooooo incredibly long to update. I kind of lost this fic. ."" But I promise form now on I will update this fic more regularly. As for S+S, We'll just have to see where it goes with them.


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